Well after a GOOD flight lesson and a small boost in confidence, I've decided it's not worth giving up. How could I live with that choice if I had decided to give up, yet another goal I want to accomplish in life? Then I would really feel like a loser, or at the very least someone who's not as dedicated as they hope to be...For what its worth, and my own enjoyment, I'm sticking with it until I finally know I'm ready. Consistency is improving, as is most of everything over all. I've had some more hiccups on the radio, but regarding everything else, things are looking better. I got a few months, I need to stick with it, but not stress.
I get stressed and upset with myself so easily. I need a chill pill.
I felt like updating this blog again to announce to the world that there is no way I'm giving up! No one can stop me.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Doubts, Volcanoes, Weather
Apparently I'm experiencing a lot of...turbulence these days when it comes to my mood and satisfaction in everything I do. I don't know what is wrong with me really...but it seems like every day, some force is trying to keep me from pursuing the things I enjoy. It may not sound like an important thing, but when it's connected to the career(s) I dream of, it is. Oh, it definitely is.
So let's take an average but somewhat quite day, one where I'm not in my college classes. i get up late, like around close to 1 pm, sit around on the pc until 2:30, go to a math tutorial at three, gain a headache from some really nasty math problems. My mood is ruined when my boyfriend (who lives in Georgia still) calls and said he's having a sleepover with his neighborhood pals. This is fine, because we both have weekends when we want to spend time with friends. This weekend has not been one of them. So, because of a headache and mood that turns sour, I decided to take advantage of the huge sale at Fred Meyer and some candy, a better snow/ice scraper for my s-u-v, some cheap clothes, and a couple other things.
Then later at night, even though I don't have a job, I decide to buy my self a cheap program for 48 bucks online thats called Advanced GIF animator. Since I've been into art for the longest time, I've always wanted to make animated icons, and now that I have a program called Adobe Phosothop CS/with Image Ready that saves GIFs, I'm really wanting this program. But of course, guilt comes back a second time around. For the first time, other than a favor for a friend, I buy this program with my card. Obviously dad's going to find out, and he can use it if he wants, if he gets adobe CS to work on his computer too...I'm not sure how many users can register under these codes.
I just feel like I'm a money drainer. I really dont feel like I'm going anywhere with anything I enjoy. Now that all us Alaskan's are worried about Mt Redoubt going off, were certain if it does blow, the erruption will be no bigger than the 1989/90's erruption. That last erruption, i heard-was a pain in the butt because even though its about 200 miles away, Anchorage got unlucky with the ash, since it travels so darn fast. It lingered around for months. I'm not sure what happened to heating and electricity, but I hope to God that doesn't happen with this erruption, whenever or if it does go off. Seismic activity is now consistently above background levels.
Here I am thinking I can solo by the end of this summer, and now Redoubt might go off at any time. I know its just a force of nature but still...I can't help but feeling like a bit of a loser.
Math is also making me frustrated all over again. I mean I hired a tutor but I'm constantly discouraged. I'm not sure how any of my classes are going yet because I haven't had tests in any of them yet. I have an economics test next week and it would be nice if i could do well...I've been trying to study for it, but I have to say, I haven't been very persistent with the studying. This goes for anything really. And as for flying, I have a flight lesson this weekend, but for some reason lack the excitement I used to have. Maybe it's because my mind is constantly clouded with doubt and worry, and also that I've been so sad and frustrated with myself.
Am I just a loser, or what? Maybe I only feel that way becuase I dont have time for a job right now. I've been sad a lot lately...I think I have some issues that need to be attended...but I don't even know what they are and where to begin!
For good news, there are only two things. One is that something came up in one of the two classes I'm enjoying this semester, my Weather Briefing class. My Professor told us about this summer program the Fairbanks and Anchorage University do, where some meteorologists/weather professors select a group of college students who's degrees are related to weather. They stay in the lower 48 for the entire summer to study and chase storms. I've always been interested in that kind of stuff too...it sounds awesome! And the aviation degrees fall under their category of students they like to choose. Since I'm still wanting to fly (over all), and despite only doing Aviation Management now, I guess I fall under that category. I have no detailed info on it now, but hopefully next week i will. I have to say its the one thing I'm really excited about...And if i DO get picked this summer or the next, I'm SO going.
The second good thing that came up, happened as I was typing this blog actually. One of my best net friends found a volunteer helicopter service. It seems I got unlucky (again) and theyre based in washington, but sounds like a really awesome and exciting way to gain a bunch of hours after I solo. This is a non profit organization called the Sea Sheperds or something. They fly around waters between WA/AK and Japan to stop illegal whaling. It sounds so cool! He gave me a link too, check it out http://www.seashepherd.org. See, I'd love to do something like that after I solo...but I might have to move to washington, and I dont know if my b/f would like that...he misses alaska...maybe we can work something out...
So let's take an average but somewhat quite day, one where I'm not in my college classes. i get up late, like around close to 1 pm, sit around on the pc until 2:30, go to a math tutorial at three, gain a headache from some really nasty math problems. My mood is ruined when my boyfriend (who lives in Georgia still) calls and said he's having a sleepover with his neighborhood pals. This is fine, because we both have weekends when we want to spend time with friends. This weekend has not been one of them. So, because of a headache and mood that turns sour, I decided to take advantage of the huge sale at Fred Meyer and some candy, a better snow/ice scraper for my s-u-v, some cheap clothes, and a couple other things.
Then later at night, even though I don't have a job, I decide to buy my self a cheap program for 48 bucks online thats called Advanced GIF animator. Since I've been into art for the longest time, I've always wanted to make animated icons, and now that I have a program called Adobe Phosothop CS/with Image Ready that saves GIFs, I'm really wanting this program. But of course, guilt comes back a second time around. For the first time, other than a favor for a friend, I buy this program with my card. Obviously dad's going to find out, and he can use it if he wants, if he gets adobe CS to work on his computer too...I'm not sure how many users can register under these codes.
I just feel like I'm a money drainer. I really dont feel like I'm going anywhere with anything I enjoy. Now that all us Alaskan's are worried about Mt Redoubt going off, were certain if it does blow, the erruption will be no bigger than the 1989/90's erruption. That last erruption, i heard-was a pain in the butt because even though its about 200 miles away, Anchorage got unlucky with the ash, since it travels so darn fast. It lingered around for months. I'm not sure what happened to heating and electricity, but I hope to God that doesn't happen with this erruption, whenever or if it does go off. Seismic activity is now consistently above background levels.
Here I am thinking I can solo by the end of this summer, and now Redoubt might go off at any time. I know its just a force of nature but still...I can't help but feeling like a bit of a loser.
Math is also making me frustrated all over again. I mean I hired a tutor but I'm constantly discouraged. I'm not sure how any of my classes are going yet because I haven't had tests in any of them yet. I have an economics test next week and it would be nice if i could do well...I've been trying to study for it, but I have to say, I haven't been very persistent with the studying. This goes for anything really. And as for flying, I have a flight lesson this weekend, but for some reason lack the excitement I used to have. Maybe it's because my mind is constantly clouded with doubt and worry, and also that I've been so sad and frustrated with myself.
Am I just a loser, or what? Maybe I only feel that way becuase I dont have time for a job right now. I've been sad a lot lately...I think I have some issues that need to be attended...but I don't even know what they are and where to begin!
For good news, there are only two things. One is that something came up in one of the two classes I'm enjoying this semester, my Weather Briefing class. My Professor told us about this summer program the Fairbanks and Anchorage University do, where some meteorologists/weather professors select a group of college students who's degrees are related to weather. They stay in the lower 48 for the entire summer to study and chase storms. I've always been interested in that kind of stuff too...it sounds awesome! And the aviation degrees fall under their category of students they like to choose. Since I'm still wanting to fly (over all), and despite only doing Aviation Management now, I guess I fall under that category. I have no detailed info on it now, but hopefully next week i will. I have to say its the one thing I'm really excited about...And if i DO get picked this summer or the next, I'm SO going.
The second good thing that came up, happened as I was typing this blog actually. One of my best net friends found a volunteer helicopter service. It seems I got unlucky (again) and theyre based in washington, but sounds like a really awesome and exciting way to gain a bunch of hours after I solo. This is a non profit organization called the Sea Sheperds or something. They fly around waters between WA/AK and Japan to stop illegal whaling. It sounds so cool! He gave me a link too, check it out http://www.seashepherd.org. See, I'd love to do something like that after I solo...but I might have to move to washington, and I dont know if my b/f would like that...he misses alaska...maybe we can work something out...
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