two paths,two destinies.

Wow. Even though I don't think this blog has any watchers, I seriously need to update this thing. I've hit a HUGE turning point in my life.

Let's start off with one point: college is giving me hell, and I can barely focus on four classes. I've learned not to take multiple 3 or 4 hundred level classes in conjunction with a math class. I'm horrible at math as is. The passion is lacking.

Second point: my b/f is certain going to the AF is his only solution because of the current condition of the economy and not having found a job to get a head start in yet. I think volunteering would help, but in the big scheme of things, that problem still remains. he's still a teenager and the military will accept him easily. I'm 21, chances aren't so great, i think...

Anyway, I DID get my FAA written exam for the rotorcraft done recently, with almost an A. School is giving me heck so I can't work on preparing for the check ride right now. However, as soon as it hits May, there will be NO holding me back. I will get it finished, and solo before the next fall semester, so if all goes well, that would be this summer, summer of 2010.

My b/f is warning me that this is his only choice. I can move in with him as a dependent. If i joined the AF, it would be just as risky career wise and staying together because they put you in the same roof only if their needs are being met. If some situation were to arise where one of our jobs demanded us elsewhere, (whether or not it currently fell with in my interests), we would have to comply. I don't want to risk that.

ALSO, I cant even think about cross-branch marriages as an option, b/c the AF will not accept it. So if i wanted to fly helicopters in the coast guard, i could not live in the same roof as my b/f on base unless some how we were able to get enough money for our own house elsewhere, which might very well be impossible with the way military jobs work, especially for pilots.

So if i want to have a fair chance at keeping a decent job, i have to finish my degree and flying, getting in as much as i can before he has to move. If i have to move in with him later AFTER im done with college and have got a job figured out, maybe it wont be so bad. If i were to go with the AF as well, it would be just as risky if not worse, from the way I see this situation.

I do know one thing, I'm not giving up flying just yet. Not when I'm this close, and I'm sure as hell not breaking up with my b/f b/c i have to stay a civilian pilot. To keep both my destinies in check, this is probably the number one smartest option I can foresee. All I have to do is keep trucking through college and finish up flying as planned. If I have to wait another year or two, it'll all be on me, but at least I can still live as a Dependent with him later on, and I still have at least SOME kind of chance working as a civilian.

I WILL GIVE UP NEITHER.

Worries, pt2

We all get those nights where we cant sleep because we're worrying too much. Tonight's one of those nights. I can't stop thinking about flying and this whole summer coming up.

I've got so many hours, yet am making incredibly slow progress. I'm afraid that with the skills I currently have, I'll barely pass soloing. And then I'll feel guilty for having taken almost a HUNDRED hours to get to this point...I still feel lame about it. I guess I'm regretting what I feel at the same time, but I can't help it. I'm slowly starting to study more and be more dedicated to my work, but I'm afraid that my efforts will be inevitable and...worthless. This kind of attitude won't get me to soloing, I know that.

This is not the first time I've encountered such apprehension and frustration...I want to stop feeling this way...Sure I've made a considerable amount of progress...but there's so much left to be done.

I'm not even sure if i should work this summer because I'm so tense about soloing...maybe I'll have to talk to my parents some more about this...Maybe I'm afraid of something going terribly wrong-something not even related to the helicopter. I think I get stressed too easily...This is not the first time I've felt so tense and upset about it all...

I keep running into these problems and I'm getting annoyed.

On a brighter note-I'm going to keep persuing the management degree, and have decided to try the ATC classes later once my management degree nears completion. Also, I'm shown great interest in perusing an Storm Chasing Internship in the lower 48-for hopefully, the summer of 2010. I'm really excited about it and hope I can get accepted.

I just hope that in the end...all these efforts and emotional struggles will be worth something...

Going back

Well, I recently discovered that the ATC flight procedures class that I struggled in is getting new curriculum and their only professor for the class retired. My counselor told me that if I was interested in trying it again, I could. And I confirmed that I really did want to give it another try. I just have to work hard on this upper level weather class now.

I think I'm going to drop math so I can focus on weather and my aviation management class. I really don't like it, but I think I should stay in it for the better. I'm still struggling in Econ too, but I know I should be able to pass it.

I'm thinking of reducing my schedule next semester so I can focus on those two classes and just get them done. I think it will be a good challenge, and an important choice made.

I guess i didn't officially want to give up air traffic control after all. I'm still thinking about it, and I still have time. My counselor was the one that brought up the news, so I know she's fine with me trying it again. Once I take two more ATC pre-requisites, I can move onto the labs. And I'll be able to get er done before you know it.

Determined

Well after a GOOD flight lesson and a small boost in confidence, I've decided it's not worth giving up. How could I live with that choice if I had decided to give up, yet another goal I want to accomplish in life? Then I would really feel like a loser, or at the very least someone who's not as dedicated as they hope to be...For what its worth, and my own enjoyment, I'm sticking with it until I finally know I'm ready. Consistency is improving, as is most of everything over all. I've had some more hiccups on the radio, but regarding everything else, things are looking better. I got a few months, I need to stick with it, but not stress.

I get stressed and upset with myself so easily. I need a chill pill.

I felt like updating this blog again to announce to the world that there is no way I'm giving up! No one can stop me.

Doubts, Volcanoes, Weather

Apparently I'm experiencing a lot of...turbulence these days when it comes to my mood and satisfaction in everything I do. I don't know what is wrong with me really...but it seems like every day, some force is trying to keep me from pursuing the things I enjoy. It may not sound like an important thing, but when it's connected to the career(s) I dream of, it is. Oh, it definitely is.

So let's take an average but somewhat quite day, one where I'm not in my college classes. i get up late, like around close to 1 pm, sit around on the pc until 2:30, go to a math tutorial at three, gain a headache from some really nasty math problems. My mood is ruined when my boyfriend (who lives in Georgia still) calls and said he's having a sleepover with his neighborhood pals. This is fine, because we both have weekends when we want to spend time with friends. This weekend has not been one of them. So, because of a headache and mood that turns sour, I decided to take advantage of the huge sale at Fred Meyer and some candy, a better snow/ice scraper for my s-u-v, some cheap clothes, and a couple other things.

Then later at night, even though I don't have a job, I decide to buy my self a cheap program for 48 bucks online thats called Advanced GIF animator. Since I've been into art for the longest time, I've always wanted to make animated icons, and now that I have a program called Adobe Phosothop CS/with Image Ready that saves GIFs, I'm really wanting this program. But of course, guilt comes back a second time around. For the first time, other than a favor for a friend, I buy this program with my card. Obviously dad's going to find out, and he can use it if he wants, if he gets adobe CS to work on his computer too...I'm not sure how many users can register under these codes.

I just feel like I'm a money drainer. I really dont feel like I'm going anywhere with anything I enjoy. Now that all us Alaskan's are worried about Mt Redoubt going off, were certain if it does blow, the erruption will be no bigger than the 1989/90's erruption. That last erruption, i heard-was a pain in the butt because even though its about 200 miles away, Anchorage got unlucky with the ash, since it travels so darn fast. It lingered around for months. I'm not sure what happened to heating and electricity, but I hope to God that doesn't happen with this erruption, whenever or if it does go off. Seismic activity is now consistently above background levels.

Here I am thinking I can solo by the end of this summer, and now Redoubt might go off at any time. I know its just a force of nature but still...I can't help but feeling like a bit of a loser.

Math is also making me frustrated all over again. I mean I hired a tutor but I'm constantly discouraged. I'm not sure how any of my classes are going yet because I haven't had tests in any of them yet. I have an economics test next week and it would be nice if i could do well...I've been trying to study for it, but I have to say, I haven't been very persistent with the studying. This goes for anything really. And as for flying, I have a flight lesson this weekend, but for some reason lack the excitement I used to have. Maybe it's because my mind is constantly clouded with doubt and worry, and also that I've been so sad and frustrated with myself.

Am I just a loser, or what? Maybe I only feel that way becuase I dont have time for a job right now. I've been sad a lot lately...I think I have some issues that need to be attended...but I don't even know what they are and where to begin!

For good news, there are only two things. One is that something came up in one of the two classes I'm enjoying this semester, my Weather Briefing class. My Professor told us about this summer program the Fairbanks and Anchorage University do, where some meteorologists/weather professors select a group of college students who's degrees are related to weather. They stay in the lower 48 for the entire summer to study and chase storms. I've always been interested in that kind of stuff too...it sounds awesome! And the aviation degrees fall under their category of students they like to choose. Since I'm still wanting to fly (over all), and despite only doing Aviation Management now, I guess I fall under that category. I have no detailed info on it now, but hopefully next week i will. I have to say its the one thing I'm really excited about...And if i DO get picked this summer or the next, I'm SO going.

The second good thing that came up, happened as I was typing this blog actually. One of my best net friends found a volunteer helicopter service. It seems I got unlucky (again) and theyre based in washington, but sounds like a really awesome and exciting way to gain a bunch of hours after I solo. This is a non profit organization called the Sea Sheperds or something. They fly around waters between WA/AK and Japan to stop illegal whaling. It sounds so cool! He gave me a link too, check it out http://www.seashepherd.org. See, I'd love to do something like that after I solo...but I might have to move to washington, and I dont know if my b/f would like that...he misses alaska...maybe we can work something out...

81.6 hours

I am well over the required amount for soloing in the helicopter. Really, i should have done it 20 hrs prior. but nope, I haven't even passed the FAA exam yet. -__- i feel like a slacker!

No way am I studying the FAA exam in spring break, cause i might have some school work. And I want to use that time for ground school. I need to get on it then. I want to solo this summer. No excuses. i'm going to be one of those few students that solos at a hundred hours.

But I shouldn't be ashamed, because that means i'll be a very confident and good flyer. I'll be close to comfortable as I am in a car (at least that's my goal). I want it this way because I know if i do it TOO soon I will be nervous and something may go wrong. When I finally go up alone I want to be 100 percent focused and not miss a beat. I never ant the helicopter to be ahead of me! I'm getting better at consistency in all ways, but I need this semester to keep refining my maneuvers. I'm getting close, and that realization lightens my down, dissatisfied mood. I'm getting so close. I just know it.

Dont banter me if you think I'm slow. in the end it will benefit me and the liability of my school and the expensive helicopters they own GREATLY.