the email...

This is what I decided to write to the professor of the class that I audited for, the same class that made me realize ATC is is not for me:

Obviously I have done exactly what I said I wasn't going to do-I've stopped attending class for close to two months now. Honestly I'm unsure if I regret doing it or not. It's NOT because of the atmosphere of the class or the way things are taught that stopped me from going. It's everything else on from an internal standpoint. I want to emphasize it has nothing to do you with you as a professor or any of the classmates. This is just about the stress I've dealt with alone.

Things have certainly been different this year in the aspect of stress and figuring out what I really feel like I need to do. There are times where I've felt like I've been at a standstill and have made no progress whatsoever. Sure, in a few ways with certain classes I definitely have. I don't think it's because I'm lazy or don't have the brains. I will also admit that I tighten up just typing this out knowing this email is going to be sent out. Never the less I feel it has to be done, since I'm doing exactly what I said I wasn't going to do. It's time for an explanation.

I might, some adults' eyes just be a second year student that is afraid of the future, but I think my gut feeling is telling me otherwise, and I assure you, I'm generally right with the conclusions I draw a good 90 percent of the time-particularly if they're on a rather personal level. Honestly, I'm thinking next semester will be same as this semester. That's being pessimistic, I know, but over all I think this is how it will go down. Unfortunately, I know if I keep thinking this it WILL happen. But that's the way we are sometimes, right? However, I could be thinking about this positively, be doing fine in the class right now and not be writing this long email.

Of course that's not the case. I'm independent and quiet. I work rather well in groups, but over all, from the ATC standpoint, all the pressure and advanced communication skills the jobs require is something that would really stretch me thin. Let's focus on the brains. There are better people out there for the job in our aviation community, and based on realizing what I want: I'm not one of them. I'm not skilled with making snap-complex decisions and calculations from an aviation standpoint and that's what REALLY worries me.

I know this is only my second year, but I've seen it in my helicopter flight lessons. I get caught up on certain factors or situations and it takes me a little time to think about how to correct an action, and by then, hypothetically, it could be too late. If that were from an ATC standpoint, it could be a deadly mistake for the aircraft I'm looking over. Sure, in due time might be able to fix these quirks, but I don't think it's healthy worrying about something like that behind a radar. I'm working on it as a flight student, but right now I just want to worry about the flight student, not the potential controller. Perhaps I'm being a bit paranoid, but that's what I've begun to realize for more than just a month or so...

I guess some aspects of this email won't be much of a surprise to you. I want to also say that I'm definitely not a lazy person. I'm quite active and always have things I need to do, regarding college and "everything else". This means that while I may risk giving you the impression that my "paranoia", call it what you will, is getting in the way of the goals I'm striving for, it's not. I have other options-the Aviation Management degree and working on my helicopter flying. I believe that alone is more than enough to tackle. I don't think doing all three sounds preferable now, and honestly, the more I think about it, the more aviation management sounds better for me.

Everyone at UAA is saying, "observe an ATC sim lab, think about it, and if you still feel like you want to work on this goal, take the 144 class again next semester and you'll do okay". In the end, I've lacked the desire to all three. Plus I've seen the labs before, so I already have an idea of what they're like. Yes, I've failed in that aspect, but I think I have enough stress on my plate right now, and I don't want to keep fighting what I've been thinking about these days.

Once again, I apologize for my lack of dedication, and I'm sure you probably figured out a lot of this earlier on just from noting my absence and my "quiet-type" personality. Week after week I kept thinking I should email you, knowing it probably matters because that's what a reasonable college student should do, and I kept putting it off. I feel a little guilty there. Then I finally convinced myself that it was time to let you know what was going on and what I've been thinking regarding ATC. I think I just need to stop thinking about this ATC business for a while because honestly, it's just making things worse. Thanks again for your time reading this lengthy email...